Make the pain stop.

Every day I wake up with the wish that I was dead.

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i-give-my-smile-not-to-everyone:

best way… on We Heart Ithttp://weheartit.com/entry/103048288/via/evelin_kuczmanova
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loved-and—lost:

This may be triggering but I need to say it. Read this, it’s so important.
Have you ever just sat there and thought how incredible it would feel by jumping. As some of you know one of my suicide attempts was jumping. The air gulping you in, it would be cold but oddly peaceful. It would be instant. The pain would just suddenly stop. It would be a bit confusing though. One minute all you feel is pain&suffering. Then you feel fear&guilt, thinking about your family&friends. You’re mum, you’re dad, that girl you call your bestfriend. But then you feel anger. They don’t need you, you remember those arguments day in day out. You feel pain again. You sit on that ledge with your legs hanging off, peering down into this cruel world. Clueless people not even noticing you’re up there. Maybe it’s for the best, be a bit of a shock though. But the painful memories flood back. You know it’s time to leave to go. But then the happy memories flood back. You can’t get them out of your mind, but you know you’ve contemplated suicide so many times that its becoming uncountable. It’s time, otherwise you’ll feel worse, more useless&pathetic you felt in the first place. You start to count. 1.. 2… 3… Then you push your body off of the bridge. It’s scary, but fast. You feel numb now, a scary numb. Pain hits you. Panic sets in, oh no, there’s no going back now. Everything is too late. Damn. Then you close your eyes as you see your world coming to a stop. You hit the ground&feel nothing. Everything is okay. No pain, no guilt. No fear, no confusion. You’re waiting for paradise to kick in. It’s not kicking in? You feel a wet puddle around you. You think you land in a water puddle. But it’s not water. It’s blood. You try&move away but you can’t see or hear or move, you’re body is gone. Why is my mind still here then? You start to hear screams. Is this what paradise feels like? As you take a slow deep breath, you realise it’s your last. You’re dead. You’re gone. No pain, no fear, you’re not numb anymore, not low, not nothing. Just a piece of air. But what about your family? What’s happened to them? You wouldn’t know, you’re dead. You’re gone, you’ve left your world behind, everything’s fine for you. Your mum comes home but doesn’t hear your voice. She gets worried but tries calming herself down. You’re probably just in the shower… But you have a power shower so you can hear it over everything you do. Maybe you’re sleeping. But you’ve never had a deep sleep before so with all the noise your mums making, you wouldve woken up by now. She phones your dad, you’re probably put with your mates but she’s worried. 10 minutes later, there’s a knock at the door. Your mum rushes to the door thinking you went to the park after school and you’re back, or your dad ready to give her a hug to comfort her. When your mum answers the door, she gets a shock. It’s 3policeman standing there, looking uncomfortable. She welcomes them in, then makes them each a cup of tea, 5minutes later your dad walks through the front door. Also taking the policeman sitting in their living room a huge shock Panic sets in both of them, whats happened? Your mum and dad sit down. The room is silent. It’s broken by one of the policeman coughing. Nervous glances are passing around the room. One of the policeman sighs and blurts out the words nobody wants to here. ‘We think your daughters dead’ your mum  instantly feels sick, she starts to shake&starts breathing heavily. Your dad is shocked. He starts shouting at the policeman. ‘Youve got it all wrong, our daughters at the park you fools’ one of the policemen hands your parents a photo of you lying there, cleaned up in the hospital. Your mum throws up, then instantly passes out. Your dad has tried to stay strong, comforting your mum&cleaning her up. He helps your mum into the garden to get fresh air. He comes back shaking&red then asks if he can see your photo again. He lets out a huge cry, and crouches down sobbing&clutching the photo close to his chest. It’s painful. His cry made each of the. Policemen jump. Hours pass&your older sister comes home to find her parents, sitting there, shaking&cold. She thinks the worse. But the news is much worker than she could ever imagine. She blames herself, they constantly argue, maybe. She took it too far. Your sister didn’t take it well at all. 7months down the line, your mum still waits for you to come home, she’s so numb now. Your sister has counselling now because she’s so guilty and hates herself so much she punishes herself. Your dad doesn’t trust anyone, he pushes away your whole entire family. He thinks he can’t love his baby girl so he can’t love anyone else. You’re dead. You’re gone. There’s no going back. But what about your school? You thought no one cared whatsoever about you. Look again. Your whole school went into shock. Your teachers questioned themselves if they were good enough. Your bestfriend has never laughed again at school since she found out the news. Even people who never even saw you before paid their respects. Your family still had to work to be able to pay for your funeral. But you’re dead. You’re gone. There’s no going back for you, is there? But everyone else has to carry on, for everyone else. Next time you think of picking up the knife, or fastening the rope or jumping or whatever you do. Just make sure it’s the right decision. Because once you’re gone there’s no going back. Never give up, there’s help out there for everyone. Be strong, chin up, hold on things will get better. ~Lauren
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5weetsorrow:

The Amity Affliction // Pittsburgh
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